Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
