am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
