Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
