I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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