Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
