3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
