saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
