i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
