the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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