i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
