Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
