she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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