i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
