if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
