I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize