Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize