I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
