dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
