that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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