Im at strip club and am horny
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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