i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
