Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
