Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
