I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
