You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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