2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
