Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
