You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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