Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
