I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
