Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Vodka?
Forever.
We have started to decorate penises.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
