Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
