i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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