It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
