Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
worst night to have a conscience
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think your dad took our porno
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
