i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
