the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
