why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
