I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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