booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Randomize
