and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
