That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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