i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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