I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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