my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
