I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
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