I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
