the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
