ya dads aren't the best wingmen
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
