The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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