i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
