just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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