I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
