his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
