LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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