just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
