Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
bring money and cleavage
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
