nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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