Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
