just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
