Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i think we sleep fucked last night...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
