i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
