i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
