hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
